Hi. I seriously feel that sometimes, I just can't control my anger and feelings... Friday. Yes. On Friday. During the CCA chalet, I already felt pissed at some times. For example people raising their volume in a small room and forcing me to play the game even if I do not want to. Honestly, it annoys me a lot when people keep secrets to themselves and never shares it with me. It makes me feel as though I'm not their friend and also that they are talking bad about me. It probably is because of what had happened to me when I was young... But all I can say is that when I do something to others, I seriously fucking hate it that they do it back to me. Especially when all I did was just simply trying to play a fool for example grabbing the opposite team's hand attempting to cheat. Well, apparently that is what pissed me off the most on Friday during training. Or should I say after training when we are playing a game of dodge ball. So, apparently all I did was attempt to cheat by holding her hand for a while. But what she did was grabbing both my hands and twisting it. Fuck. She is older and stronger than me and I could totally feel the pain when she did that and I was trying to get my hand out when she was twisting it. IT FUCKING HURTS OKAY. So after that, I was totally annoyed and pissed at her and the whole entire game and had a pissed off look for long time. I felt anger. I wanted to cry out how angry and fed up I was... But everyone was having fun. Lots of fun. Besides me of course. What can I say? "I don't want to play anymore" and the next thing they will say to me is "why?" how am I suppose to reply? Stella twist my hand to block me when I grabbed her hand to block her? And all they will be asking will be who started it first. Of course I will be the one in trouble. So I held it in. And after a few rounds, we changed game. I was still pissed. So we played Captains Ball. I know that I shouldn't be playing rough like pushing people but what can I do? Charlene wants to play that way. And I know that she will do it that way even if we didn't talk about it. So I played that way first. But what's next? Them pushing, hitting and snatching. Of course I will get annoyed and I will flare up. Apparently I flared up. Great. Thanks to them. Like much thanks. I shouted out because I felt very annoyed. Next. I feel like a burden to people or should I say, to everyone. Its been a few days where I have this in my mind. "How am I suppose to know more friends?", "I'm horrible at making friends.","I have a horrible attitude","will I ever meet someone I like?" and "What is love?" I should be knowing more guys. My friends are so close with most of them. And here I am being a little loner. Not communicating with them. Being lost. Being the last of all. All I can say is that I really want to know someone who is perfectly fine with who and how I am. But I just can't. I've been thinking about such thoughts for the past few days. Also, during the CCA Chalet, I was really tempted to get myself drunk. Yes. I know... Not legal yet... Yes. But its the temptation. I am really tempted to get myself drunk and see how I am when it happens. I really want to know about it. But. I'm afraid. Afraid of many things. Lots of things. People hating me. People judging me. And more... Its difficult for me. I'm afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of embarrassing myself. Just why can't I be good at something. I don't even find myself attractive. Friends keep saying that I am. I don't think so. I want to lose weight. But I have no motivation. I want to achieve something. But I always give up halfway. Should I just give up on everything? Love? Friends? I have no idea what I want. I really don't. I feel very lost all the time. Hoping that one day, I'll be able to know what I really want. And to find someone I really like. XOXO